Aaden, Adan, Aden, Adin, Adyn, Aedan, Aeden, Aedyn, Aiden, Aidin, Aidon, Aidyn, Aydan, Ayden, and Aydon

Posted in Bad Baby Names on May 7th 2006 by Randy Reichardt

.: Of all the posts I’ve ever written, the one which has received the most comments was my first baby name rant. To date, it has received 32 comments. The comments turned into a thread, with various readers responding to earlier comments. The most recent ones are from some angry readers. This one came from someone afraid to list a real name, choosing to use “What’s the big deal”:

Are you kidding me with this? Aren’t there more important things over which to obsess than what other people name their clhildren? Please don’t attempt to speak on behalf of the “poor, unsuspecting child” who, you argue, hasn’t a chance in life if he’s been given a unique name…

(And, BTW Randy, I find it poetic that you have such a problem with all of the different spellings of people’s names, yet have such a hard time wrapping your brain around the correct spelling of “stupid” …that’s the irony that made ME laugh). Why don’t you post something as fervently hostile about a topic that’s actually meaningful …like, I don’t know, the war, or fighting leukemia, or the pitfalls of modern healthcare, …anything. Names? You’re joking.

Seems this person completely missed the point of using the word “stoopid” in the original post.

Erik followed with:

Would you be the one slapping and kicking people?. I know you wouldnt talk that smack in front of fathers who named their child one of those names. Who are you to judge who should have kids and who shouldnt? Do you think your God or just smart enough to speak on his behalf? I named my baby Ocean Why dont you come over to my house and try slapping me?!

To which I replied:

I’m not sure that would be necessary. I think if federal legislation was developed and passed, preventing parents from giving their children names that will result in the crap getting kicked out of them when they are older, and from generally being humiliated and laughed at for the rest of their lives, slapping parents wouldn’t be required.

And lest you think this is an isolated viewpoint, (as mentioned above) please check Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty. It covers stupid baby names much better than I could ever do.

Finally, another reader, once again afraid to use her real name, writes:

I’m pregnant and if it is a boy I plan to name him Aedan. Don’t like it? Kiss my @$$. It isn’t your choice to make and my kid will appreciate the fact that I didn’t name him some retarded generic, biblical name like John, James, Joseph, etc.

To which I replied:

Good luck with your impending birth, and with giving your child his name, Aedan. And you can kiss my ass as well, let’s make it mutual. I can’t speak for all the men who have been given “retarded generic, biblical” names like John, James, Joseph, but at least their parents didn’t name them Jawnn, Jaymzz, or Josiffe.

I stand by what I wrote. Kids given names with insanely twisted spellings, in the misguided belief that it will make them “unique”, need our sympathies and understanding. More than likely, they’ll have the sh*t kicked out of them when they’re older. BTW, read Ken’s comment about giving your children names with odd spellings. Not everyone agrees with you, whomever you are – what is your name, anyway? You’re not married to Erik, are you?

I figure there must be a few dozen more ways to spell Aidan than the 14 listed above. Why not add some random diacritics, and run with it: Äidan, Äiden, Äyden, and so on, using Ä or  or à or Ą or Æ or Ẩ or Ặ, and so on. Finally, consider a Canadian variation: you could spell his name Eh-den.

Derryl, what does Aidan make of all this? Is he concerned that you didn’t choose an aberrant spelling of his name?

I guess it’s time to review the Alberta Baby Names for Boys 2004, Girls 2004, Boys 2005 and Girls 2005. In the meantime, if you find any gems, let me know. – ŖåήδËỷ

How Would You Pronounce It?

Posted in Bad Baby Names, Film on October 14th 2004 by Randy Reichardt

:: From NewsScan Daily:

A father in China’s Zhengzhou province has been denied permission to name his son “@” because it cannot be translated into Mandarin, as the law requires. The father had argued that the symbol is in common use on keyboards and should be acceptable. The attempt reflects parents’ global penchant for saddling their progeny with silly monikers — earlier this year a couple in Holland, Michigan insisted on naming their son Jon Blake Cusack Version 2.0. As The Register noted at the time, “Jon and his wife will certainly be spending many a sleepless night debugging little Jon Blake Cusack Version 2.0 and — in about 16 years’ time — having a pretty hard time explaining to their unfortunate offspring whose bright idea this was in the first place.” (The Register 12 Oct 2004)

:: Primer will indeed play in Edmonton in 2004. Tomorrow, in fact, at the Edmonton International Film Festival. I plan to see it. I also hope and/or would like to see Bad Education, Bright Young Things, Dear Frankie, The Five Obstructions, Intimate Strangers, P.S., and Seven Times Lucky, to name a few (more.)

Bad Bad Baby Names 2

Posted in Bad Baby Names on May 19th 2004 by Randy Reichardt

:: Jennifer notes that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Coldplay Martin named their newborn girl “Apple“, and Gina Davis’s new twin boys were christened Kian and Kaiis. Her response and mine to these developments are similar: WTF???

I had a lot of respect for Paltrow and Martin up to now, as they keep their relationship out of the public eye, making efforts never to walk down red carpets together, etc. But “Apple”? Good grief. From the Herald Sun (Melbourne Austr.):

The Eye’s Western District spy suggested Apple could get hitched to Christine Applegate’s brother and become Apple Applegate, then get rid of him and take up with Bill Gates’ son and she’d be Apple Applegate Gates.

What’s with the weird baby names? Yes, I ranted about this earlier, and will continue to rant about this stoopid practice. The Herald Sun, notes that these handles aren’t the first odd celebrity baby names:

A Knight’s Tale star Shannyn Sossamon has a son called Audio Science, while Almost Famous actor Jason Lee has a boy called Pilot Inspektor.

Audio Science? Pilot Inspektor? There really, really oughta be a law. Why, you ask? Check out Horrid Celebrity Baby Names.

:: It’s confirmed that Dennis Farina will be replacing Jerry Orbach on Law & Order. Orbach will be missed. I think it will take time to warm up to Farina.

Bad Bad Baby Names

Posted in Bad Baby Names on March 7th 2004 by Randy Reichardt

:: For years I’ve ranted about parents giving stoopid baby names to their children. It’s one of the reasons that certain people should not be permitted, by law, to procreate. One of my favorite web sites is Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty, compiled by Diane Goodman in San Francisco. Goodman visits various baby naming bulletin boards (like BabyCenter), grabs actual posts about what names parents are considering giving their new babies, and adds editorial comments to each one. It’s one of the few sites that makes me laugh out loud.

Friday’s Edmonton Journal featured an article on the top Alberta baby names for 2003. Titled Now who’d name their child Zxyrill? (good question, and a sad one at that), the article not only highlights stoopid names, but the bizarre trend of parents to create variant spellings on a name, as if in doing so, they have bestowed some special individuality on their poor, unsuspecting child.

Examples from the article:

    Aidan was chosen by the parents of 130 baby boys born in Alberta in 2003. Others chose Aaden, Adan, Aden, Adin, Adyn, Aedan, Aeden, Aedyn, Aiden, Aidin, Aidon, Aidyn, Aydan, Ayden, and Aydon.

    Proud Alberta parents named 114 girls Abigail. Others went with Abbegale, Abbeygael, Abbigael, Abbigayle, Abbi-Gayle, Abbygail, Abbygale, Abigael, Abigale and Abigayle.

That sound you just heard was me, screaming. Sorry, hope I wasn’t too loud. What’s missing from these two lists are variations like Ehdin, A’dyn, Aaddinn, and Haidan, where the parents advise their poor kid that the “H” in his name is silent.

One boy in Alberta was named Connnor. Yes, there are three “n”s in his name. Another girl was named Lexus-Nykole. Among the baby names for boys, registered in Alberta in 2003: Blade, Boston, Caprice, Chaos, Coletrane (jazz fan?), D. (yes, with the period), Dee-Jay (radio fan?), Dilbert (likes the funnies?), Diesel (likes Vin?), Denzel (obvious), Ebenzer (is that a typo?), Exzavier (wanted to ensure correct pronunciation), Fox and Foxx (one’s parents like Mulder, the other Redd), Freedom (Woodstock outtake), Frost, Genesis (“there must be some misunderstanding…”), H. (will he meet D. someday?), Hillary (this kid will get teased), Houston (will he meet Boston someday?), J.R., Jetli (martial arts fan?), Jonathn (typo?), Journey (did they ever tour with Genesis?), K.C. (also KC), (NOTE: The Ks have many bizarre variations on many names beginning with C), Lucky, Madeleine (he’ll need to team up with Hillary), Man, Maxxam (palindrome), Memphis (ok, geothematic stuff happening here), Neo (Matrix fan?), Oblio (old Nillson fan? “Me and My Arrow…”), Ocean, Osama (er, um…), Ozzy (70s headbanger?), Pure (?), Phoenix (continuing with cities), River (perhaps he’ll be in the same class as Ocean), Shady, Shooter, T. (ok, so maybe D., H., J.R., K.C., and T. will form a rock band called The Initials), Thunder, Tiger, Tolkien (could become friends with J.R.), Trigger (will become friends with Shooter), Wang (there was also a Chung, please, please let them become friends, too!), Xyler (what, Tyler isn’t good enough?), Zyler (ok, you win).

More variant spelling examples: Braden: Bradyn, Braedan, Braeden, Braedon, Braedyn, Braiden, Braidin, Braidon, Brayden, Braydin, Braydon, BrayDyn. What, Braydan wasn’t good enough? What about Breigh-Dann?

Among the baby names for girls, registered in Alberta in 2003: A., Arizona-Rayne, Babe, Bay-JA (my name is spelled capital b, small a, small y, hyphen, capital j, capital a), Becca (that had to happen, in addition to destroying spelling, parents are now chopping up names as well), Brie (name your kid after cheese?), Brooklyn (ok, when did naming a girl after an NYC borough become popular? And the variations? Migod… Brookelyn, Brooke-Lyn, Brooke-lyn, Brooke-Lynn, Brooke-lynne, Brooklin, BrookLyn, Brook-Lyn, Brook-lyn, Brooklynn, Brooklynne. They forgot Broocklinne), Charisma (no pressure on this kid), Charlize (nicely timed), Colby (another cheese), Desert (will have to date Ocean or River), Dwyshina, Dylynn (aghh!), Georga (another typo?), Ice (will be in contention with Desert to date River or Ocean), Island, Isabell’a (is that pronounced Isabell-AHHH?), J’dynn (a Klingon?), Jewelyanna, Jor-el (isn’t that Superman’s father’s name?), Jythsaint (try saying that while eating crackers), Kennedy (and Kenadee, Kenady, Kenedy, Kennadi, Kennedi – shoot me now), Leaf, November, Ocean (and Oceana, Oceanna, Océanne), Orielle-Floriane, Peris, Poetry, Prescious (are the parents named Gollum and Smeagol?), Promise, Rabeaca (if this is a variation on Rebecca, the others include: Rebbeca, Rebbecca, Rebecka, Rebeka, Rebekah, Rebekka, Rebekkah, and Rebeccaanne – spare a hyphen, maybe?), Sappho (are they expecting her to bat for the same team?), Sarah-Lee (future cake baker?), Shaquille (c’mon, she’s a girl, dammit!), Sparrow, Solaris, Storm, Sunshine (they must become friends), Swastika (oh-my-God; maybe she’ll have it changed, or shortened to “Tika”), Teardrop, Ty’r (Klingon again?), White, and Zowie.

Perhaps many of these children might end up in the same kindergarten class. I pity the teacher. The images are frightening. “Mom, Sappho and J’Dynn are here, can I go out and play with them? We’re going over to Tolkien’s house, Ocean, River and Ice will be there too.” How will Chaos’s parents react when he brings his girlfriend over to meet them? “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Swastika.”

Can’t any of these parents be slapped upside the head, or given a good, swift, hard kick in the behind?

:: BTW, The Sopranos returned to tv, after a 15-month hiatus. The first episode tonight was quite good. Here’s a review (with spoilers, if you haven’t seen the episode, don’t read the whole thing.)

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