Staring into the Abyss

:: It’s late, early in the morning on June 26. I’m sort of drifting through this week, I’m in a daze, basically. There are things about which I want to write, but I’m not feeling very coherent. Perhaps in a few days. But I turn 50 on June 28, actually at 12:06 am MDT (I was born in Winnipeg at 1:06 Central Time, way back then). I’ve been fighting this, a losing, pointless battle, yet it’s nothing I feel like celebrating. I don’t want to have to say the number. Turning 30 was nothing, 40 was more of an annoyance; 50? “Old man, look at my life…”

Leaving the Y tonight after a Pilates class, I passed a notice board with pictures of the “Fifty Plus” crowd, some of them easily in their 80s. Gee, I’ll get to join on Saturday. I wonder what the parties are like? “Turn on…the bubble a’machine…”

Frankly, I wish I felt better about this, but I don’t; not tonight, anyway. I know, I know all the reasons to feel good about it, but at the moment, those reasons have taken a sabbatical. I also accept that other factors make this birthday somewhat bittersweet. But on Saturday, and then Sunday, the sun will rise, regardless.

Despite the foregoing, it’s been a pretty good ride. I’m surrounded by the best of friends, a loving, extended family, am in good health, have a great job, to name but a few reasons for celebrating the other side of life.

7 Responses to “Staring into the Abyss”

  1. kelly Says:

    Age is relative and, indeed, but a number. People who hang onto preconceptions or notions attached to age are the old ones.

  2. randy Says:

    Thanks, Kelly. You’re right, of course. I’m moping a bit because it’s my nature, but at heart, I’m still a kid! 🙂

  3. Deb Says:

    I know, I know. How could it have happened? 50? 50!!! But, that’s… okay. (Isn’t that what Stuart Smalley, the caring nurturer would say?)
    You’re still the same as that 19 year old guy in your head, only with more experience. I predict that in a few more days that big Five-Oh thing will be nearly forgotten, and life will once again be as it should. I have no other sage advice than that. Luv ya.

  4. Mike N. Says:

    At least you’re going to see 50. We both know people that didn’t make it.

    But…damn….fifty!

    At least you have the shoes to wear to the “50-Plus” club parties.

  5. Stephen Says:

    Randy:

    It’s a great adventure! Your constant seeking for new ways to ‘be’ shows that your mind is still as flexible as any teen. With our 100-year life expentancies now, just think of 50 as one of those glass half-empty or half-full questions. My style is just to challenge the size of the glass! Maybe I need a blog called “The Glass is the Wrong Size”.

    Happy Birthday. My daughter turns 15 the day after your birthday and *amazingly* she’s undergoing the same angst (and tried the same haircolour too!). It must be something about your Zodiac – Cancers get to have outdoor birthday parties!

    Have a drink on me!

    Stephen

  6. av. Says:

    i think there’s something in the air. a couple of weeks ago i went through a similar thing on my 27th. don’t worry, the angst only lasts a week or so. then you’ll move on to something else 😉

  7. randy Says:

    Thanks to all for your thoughts, I appreciate the feedback. You are all correct, of course. The constant review of everything, the way-too-much macro-philosophizing, tends to do me in. I think for the next 48 hours, I’ll let life come to me, and enjoy the rewards. Love to you all. – R

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