Bad Bad Baby Names

:: For years I’ve ranted about parents giving stoopid baby names to their children. It’s one of the reasons that certain people should not be permitted, by law, to procreate. One of my favorite web sites is Baby’s Named a Bad, Bad Thing: A Primer on Parent Cruelty, compiled by Diane Goodman in San Francisco. Goodman visits various baby naming bulletin boards (like BabyCenter), grabs actual posts about what names parents are considering giving their new babies, and adds editorial comments to each one. It’s one of the few sites that makes me laugh out loud.

Friday’s Edmonton Journal featured an article on the top Alberta baby names for 2003. Titled Now who’d name their child Zxyrill? (good question, and a sad one at that), the article not only highlights stoopid names, but the bizarre trend of parents to create variant spellings on a name, as if in doing so, they have bestowed some special individuality on their poor, unsuspecting child.

Examples from the article:

    Aidan was chosen by the parents of 130 baby boys born in Alberta in 2003. Others chose Aaden, Adan, Aden, Adin, Adyn, Aedan, Aeden, Aedyn, Aiden, Aidin, Aidon, Aidyn, Aydan, Ayden, and Aydon.

    Proud Alberta parents named 114 girls Abigail. Others went with Abbegale, Abbeygael, Abbigael, Abbigayle, Abbi-Gayle, Abbygail, Abbygale, Abigael, Abigale and Abigayle.

That sound you just heard was me, screaming. Sorry, hope I wasn’t too loud. What’s missing from these two lists are variations like Ehdin, A’dyn, Aaddinn, and Haidan, where the parents advise their poor kid that the “H” in his name is silent.

One boy in Alberta was named Connnor. Yes, there are three “n”s in his name. Another girl was named Lexus-Nykole. Among the baby names for boys, registered in Alberta in 2003: Blade, Boston, Caprice, Chaos, Coletrane (jazz fan?), D. (yes, with the period), Dee-Jay (radio fan?), Dilbert (likes the funnies?), Diesel (likes Vin?), Denzel (obvious), Ebenzer (is that a typo?), Exzavier (wanted to ensure correct pronunciation), Fox and Foxx (one’s parents like Mulder, the other Redd), Freedom (Woodstock outtake), Frost, Genesis (“there must be some misunderstanding…”), H. (will he meet D. someday?), Hillary (this kid will get teased), Houston (will he meet Boston someday?), J.R., Jetli (martial arts fan?), Jonathn (typo?), Journey (did they ever tour with Genesis?), K.C. (also KC), (NOTE: The Ks have many bizarre variations on many names beginning with C), Lucky, Madeleine (he’ll need to team up with Hillary), Man, Maxxam (palindrome), Memphis (ok, geothematic stuff happening here), Neo (Matrix fan?), Oblio (old Nillson fan? “Me and My Arrow…”), Ocean, Osama (er, um…), Ozzy (70s headbanger?), Pure (?), Phoenix (continuing with cities), River (perhaps he’ll be in the same class as Ocean), Shady, Shooter, T. (ok, so maybe D., H., J.R., K.C., and T. will form a rock band called The Initials), Thunder, Tiger, Tolkien (could become friends with J.R.), Trigger (will become friends with Shooter), Wang (there was also a Chung, please, please let them become friends, too!), Xyler (what, Tyler isn’t good enough?), Zyler (ok, you win).

More variant spelling examples: Braden: Bradyn, Braedan, Braeden, Braedon, Braedyn, Braiden, Braidin, Braidon, Brayden, Braydin, Braydon, BrayDyn. What, Braydan wasn’t good enough? What about Breigh-Dann?

Among the baby names for girls, registered in Alberta in 2003: A., Arizona-Rayne, Babe, Bay-JA (my name is spelled capital b, small a, small y, hyphen, capital j, capital a), Becca (that had to happen, in addition to destroying spelling, parents are now chopping up names as well), Brie (name your kid after cheese?), Brooklyn (ok, when did naming a girl after an NYC borough become popular? And the variations? Migod… Brookelyn, Brooke-Lyn, Brooke-lyn, Brooke-Lynn, Brooke-lynne, Brooklin, BrookLyn, Brook-Lyn, Brook-lyn, Brooklynn, Brooklynne. They forgot Broocklinne), Charisma (no pressure on this kid), Charlize (nicely timed), Colby (another cheese), Desert (will have to date Ocean or River), Dwyshina, Dylynn (aghh!), Georga (another typo?), Ice (will be in contention with Desert to date River or Ocean), Island, Isabell’a (is that pronounced Isabell-AHHH?), J’dynn (a Klingon?), Jewelyanna, Jor-el (isn’t that Superman’s father’s name?), Jythsaint (try saying that while eating crackers), Kennedy (and Kenadee, Kenady, Kenedy, Kennadi, Kennedi – shoot me now), Leaf, November, Ocean (and Oceana, Oceanna, OcĂ©anne), Orielle-Floriane, Peris, Poetry, Prescious (are the parents named Gollum and Smeagol?), Promise, Rabeaca (if this is a variation on Rebecca, the others include: Rebbeca, Rebbecca, Rebecka, Rebeka, Rebekah, Rebekka, Rebekkah, and Rebeccaanne – spare a hyphen, maybe?), Sappho (are they expecting her to bat for the same team?), Sarah-Lee (future cake baker?), Shaquille (c’mon, she’s a girl, dammit!), Sparrow, Solaris, Storm, Sunshine (they must become friends), Swastika (oh-my-God; maybe she’ll have it changed, or shortened to “Tika”), Teardrop, Ty’r (Klingon again?), White, and Zowie.

Perhaps many of these children might end up in the same kindergarten class. I pity the teacher. The images are frightening. “Mom, Sappho and J’Dynn are here, can I go out and play with them? We’re going over to Tolkien’s house, Ocean, River and Ice will be there too.” How will Chaos’s parents react when he brings his girlfriend over to meet them? “Mom, Dad, I’d like you to meet Swastika.”

Can’t any of these parents be slapped upside the head, or given a good, swift, hard kick in the behind?

:: BTW, The Sopranos returned to tv, after a 15-month hiatus. The first episode tonight was quite good. Here’s a review (with spoilers, if you haven’t seen the episode, don’t read the whole thing.)

54 Responses to “Bad Bad Baby Names”

  1. Brandi Says:

    I named my son BRAEDYN, long before you wrote this stupid article. The spelling of my son’s name in Gaelic means good health,. I am happy with that cause my son was born with Down Syndrome (not knowingly) nearly 9 years ago. People have there free rights to name their child whatever name they want to. Be critical if you want to….but whatever.

  2. Brandi aka canadalass Says:

    Hahaha, I left a comment almost 6 years ago. And they were just about the same. Too Funny!

  3. babynames Says:

    A British man whose name was Leslie Hope. All during his school years he was called by his last name first & his first name last “Hopelessly”

  4. Baby Names Says:

    I read this blog 1st time, and I thought it’s also a funny article.

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