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The Things I Miss The Most

:: It’s not these things necessarily (I still have my ’69 Tele, never had a ’54 Strat), but on days like today…it’s a Sunday, I always hated Sundays, and it’s dull and grey and dead and claustrophobic and suffocating in Edmonton today, and Sundays exist to remind you that you need to go back to work tomorrow. I was shopping at Costco just now, and every person there seemed to be in my way. We can’t relive, we can only move forward, but all too often I miss the early 70’s, which for me was the last age of innocence in my life. It’s hard to describe, but it was a time when I didn’t need to be aware of much beyond my immediate surroundings, and I didn’t have to deal with everything else that comes with being a damn grown up.

I love being able to write about “stuff” on my site, but there are also things about which I can never write. I guess that’s where a diary serves its true purpose. Today I’m smoldering with residual anger about this and that, and it gets compounded as I deal with the hearing aid (which is terribly tinny and not too useful in a movie theatre), the stuggle with the eating plan and workout regime, family issues, finances, loneliness, perceived injustices (personal and otherwise), turning 50 and staring into the virtual abyss, and so on. It’s a moment when I want to say, f*ck it all, to hell with the planet.

Yesterday I learned that someone close and important to me was beaten regularly as a child by an older brother, until she was 20, as were three of her other siblings. I think of something like that, and consider how good I had it as a kid, and how good things have been as an adult. I try to reconcile that with how empty I feel inside right now.

Despite the foregoing, I maintain a rock solid awareness and appreciation for how good things are in my life. A balance needs to be struck somehow. I’m working on it, despite feeling like it amounts to a waste of effort.

And how peachy is your weekend? (And I laugh, because as I finish this, the sun snuck through the clouds and shone on my hands and keyboard. OK, God, you win!)

4 Responses to “The Things I Miss The Most”

  1. Murph Says:

    Glad the sun is showing its face, man. Today has been a brilliant day: sun, blue sky, a long walk around Shand Lake with Jo and the boys and the dog and then a trip to DQ. And the thing is, this is the first day since we went to Vancouver in July that the family has been together for an entire day without one of us having to work, or go to school, or go play soccer, or something.

    So rare, finding these moments when you become an adult. And the boys grow like weeds and I can barely remember when they were babies (and it was quiet!).

    Hope you can get over your anger. Maybe you should think about driving up for a visit, since you couldn’t do it when we were in Utah.

  2. Steve Forty Says:

    I was actually thinking of you today when I was down on Wreck Beach. We have finally had a fabulous period of weather after so many rainy years. There was this guy doing a very good rendition of Cat’s In the Cradle with his guitar, and it made me think of you and the times I sang along with your playing at conventions etc. I miss those days, but after going through andropause (took about 2 years 50 – 52 years old, it wasn’t all bad but I did have some big mood swings), my life has settled down and I am much happier these days. Hopefully things will look up – remember how many friends you have and don’t be afraid to contact them in bad moments.

  3. av. Says:

    randy, i remember at coffee you mentioning being fifty and going on twenty. what happened? hope things are looking up for you. you have a youthful spirit which is a part of your charm! it might be a cliche, but age is just a number. remember that. you’re only as old or as young as you think you are.

  4. randy Says:

    Thanks to you all, Derryl, Steve, Avalee, for your kind and thoughtful comments. There’s something to be said for having people around you who care. I’m feeling better this week – it was a momentary lapse of muscular coordination, as Jack Nicholson once said in a movie…

    Randy 🙂

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